This wasn't supposed to happen...

I feel like the powers that love to fuck me over are laughing hysterically right now. I was supposed to file my claim today and even if I was denied, my lawyer was going to appeal. Come to find out, even if I do file, since I filed back in 2006 and was denied (apparently I wasn't "disabled enough" or some such shit), I'll just be denied again. I'm the one who lives with back and knee pain, not them! Why do they get to decide if I'm able to work or not?! Everyone I talk to KNOWS I'm disabled... they can literally hear it.

You know, I would actually love to work. But no one will hire me! I've tried to get a job, believe me. I have skills, I'm intelligent, and if there's something I don't know, I know how to open my mouth and fucking ASK. But people listen to how I talk, maybe see how I stand and walk, and I never get called back for an interview. Do you know how much that sucks? Not only that, it's damned hurtful. Okay, I'm slow (physically, at least), but I have a lot to offer an employer. Give me a fucking chance and I'll prove it.

There's so much I want to do, and $700+/month doesn't allow me (or anyone else) to do much. I'm saving as much as I can, but I'm only allowed to save $2,000. If I was on DAC, I could save a million dollars. $2,000 vs unlimited... what would any of you choose? You can do a hell of a lot more with unlimited funds than you can with $2,000. I could take a vacation every year if I wanted, go to Styx concerts, whatever.

I just want to be able to have a good... no, a better life than what I'm living now. Yeah, I'd still have to budget. I'd have to make choices... would I rather spend my money on A or B? But I'd be able to make better choices with more money. (Say, I could afford a hotel room AND get souvenirs at the Styx concert instead of choosing one over the other.)

And the housing thing. As long as I'm only on SSI, I'm pretty much stuck here where I am. I can't afford anything better. I can get on regular Section 8 (right now I'm in a special program for people with physical and/or mental disabilities, but 1. they're not taking applications right now, and 2. I want a place that's (sorta) my own (I'd still be paying rent to someone). I don't think I'm asking for too much, do you?

Well, I've gone on long enough. I needed to vent, and this is way too long for a Facebook status update. If you've made it this far, I thank you for reading! I do appreciate all who read my blog, whether you leave feedback or not.

And apologies for the profanity. Sometimes it just feels good to drop an f-bomb here and there... lol.

Randomness

Wow, I've had this blog since October, and already I've posted 68 (including this one) entries! I wonder how many I'll post by this October (the one year anniversary, eight months from now)? I look forward to that. Hopefully I'll be posting from wherever my roommate and I are living at the time.

I'm hoping that I get my dad's check (for Feb.) on Monday or even tomorrow or Saturday. (I think it may have gone out Tuesday.) I'm planning to take it right to Chase Bank and opening a checking and a savings account with most of it, and keeping something like $50. I'm also expecting my check for March on the 28th or so, and I'll be doing the exact same thing (and using it to set up direct deposit so it won't  get lost in the mail again... the first time this has happened!

Hey, I just thought of something! It would be awesome if my roomie and I each got north of $1,000/month in disability. That way we could afford to pay more for a nicer house! I'd like to be able to get a really nice place. (Or at least a fixer-upper that doesn't need much fixing...) My roomie has been looking at 2, 3, and 4 bdrm houses, which would be good. (Possibly we could have guests if we got a 4 bdrm? We'd like one to use as an office. Keep our computers, files, etc. in there.)

I'm not sure how she'd feel about a two-story house. It would be fun for the dogs to be able to run up and down stairs, and I could also use the exercise, lol. I need to lose some of this gut! (BTW, I found some workout clothes on Amazon, along with a Total Gym. I already have a Total Gym, although I don't know if I'm going to take it with me. I may donate it to the building and see if anyone here would want to set it up and use it. If not, I can sell it.)

I also have to work on finding out how much land goes for in OK. I inherited about 5 acres (I think) from my grandmother, and since I don't plan on ever living up there again, I'd rather have the money than the property. My brother is willing to buy it from me if I can find out how much to ask for it. If I can get my cousin David's phone number, I could call him and find out.

............

Just messaged my aunt on Facebook and asked her if she knew how to get in touch with him. Hope she gets back in touch with me. I don't know if the property is in my name or not (probably not; I never signed any papers or anything that I remember... although I was so upset at the time, I may have forgotten. I don't even know what happened to all the stuff that was in the house... I do know that I've never gotten anything.) I don't know why I'm writing all this. It's been a little over six years since she passed, and while I think about her all the time (and it still makes me sad that I won't see her again for a long time (God willing), I'm talking about what I can get from her estate?!?! Does that make me sound like a greedy biotch? I hope not. I remember what my aunt said at her funeral, because it was the same thing I was thinking. Grandma had three children of her own, but she had ten kids. Me and my three brothers, her brother's four sons, plus her own. She was a remarkable woman with a huge heart, and I can't say enough about her. What I wouldn't give to be able to see and talk to her again. I'll miss her always.

Musings...

As I said in my Facebook status update yesterday morning, I called a disability attorney who is going to try to see if she can get me my DAC benefits. If she does, I'm going to start saving up money so I can get an apartment away from here. I really want out, and I can continue saving money for when my roommate and I are ready to buy our house (yes, we're going to do the "rent-to-own" thing). At this point, I really don't care where we live, whether we stay in Texas or move out of state. I just want to leave.

Some things I'd love to have for the new place: nice furniture (we both have bedroom stuff, but we need living, dining, and kitchen stuff); I want my bedroom and bath (if we have 2 bathrooms) to be decorated in shades of purple (plum, lilac, orchid, that type of thing). She prefers peach and burgandy... she'd like burgandy for the living room. I wonder if we could add some peach and purple accents? I guess we could go to some kind of furniture showroom and get some ideas. She suggested awhile back that maybe we could go to Lowe's or somewhere and get some stick-on borders (with her asthma, we can't do any painting). I wonder if there is any such thing as wallpaper you can just stick on? I mean stuff you don't need paste to put it up. That would also be a good thing. (Don't want her having an attack because of the fumes.)

Also, I want to save up to buy some new clothes (even if they're only new to me, i.e., from Goodwill). I have some nice things that I'll be taking with me, of course, but I want some new pants (as of now, I only have two or three pairs that fit). And if we end up moving up north (Seattle or Minneapolis), I'll need some good cold weather clothes (sweaters and coats and such. Don't forget the long johns, either! :-)) And I want some new sheet sets. I have a few sheets, but I want to be able to change my bed more than a couple of times a week. Maybe I'll sell my current bed and save up for a full size? That way Alaska and I will both have room. (Yes, she sleeps with me.)

I also need a dog carrier and a bed for her. I'd like to be able to take her to the dog park (there's one at White Rock Lake, I think, off of Mockingbird), and the only way my counselor (onsite) will take me is if she's in a carrier. Which is understandable. If we ever got into an accident, she could be hurt, and I'd be devastated.  George understands that she's my baby (he has dogs, too, and I bet he feels the same way about them), and how it would tear me up if anything happened to her, especially if I could have prevented it. So when I get my check next month, I'm going to Petsmart (there's one on Greenville, not too far from where I live) and price carriers and beds.

..............

Yay! I just went to Amazon, and they have a purple zebra stripe pet carrier for $39. I'm going to get it! (I hope shipping isn't too much...) So next month I can go to the dog park and let Alaska run around and play with the other dogs. I'm happy now! :-)

A huge dream of mine...

One of my dream jobs would be to work in a book or music store (like Border's, before they went under, or Barnes & Noble). I would love to get a small-business loan (yeah, right, my credit sucks) and be able to buy a building and open my own store (like Half-Price Books). I'd need a partner, of course, someone who has management/accounting experience. (I've never managed anything in my life, and financial stuff makes me break out in hives... Okay, that's a slight exaggeration, but not much of one. lol) I'd love to sell books, music, movies, and cards, and maybe have a little cafe (like most bookstores have these days).

I've always been a huge reader, not to mention I'm passionate about music, so being around books and CDs and DVDs all day would be like a dream come true. Maybe I could start small; have a yard sale and sell some of the stuff I have already. (I don't have a lot of books and stuff, and most of what I have I want to keep, but I'm going to have to do a lot of weeding before I move anyway...) One of the reasons I haven't been able to find a job, I think, is because of my speech (I had one lady tell me outright that that was why I wouldn't be hired... evidently people from the corporate office stopped in sometimes, and I forget what else she said. I was too stunned to pay attention. :-() Unfortunately it was awhile back, so it's probably too late to contact the EEOC and file a complaint under the ADA.

Update

I talked to my friend Doug on Tuesday, and he said when my birthday comes around, he'll take me to a pawnshop and help me get a new laptop. He paid $250 for the one he has, and has never had a problem with it. I'll still need to get a flash drive so I can download my stuff from my current computer and then upload it to my new one. I'll also have to get Norton, but that only costs $60/year, so no problems there. I'll also have money left over to get an iPod! Yay!

 I went and got my ID renewed yesterday. It'll take about two weeks for it to come in the mail. As soon as I get my check from my dad, I'll go open a bank account. I'm still thinking Chase. I've banked with them before, and they always treated me well. I'm going to open a checking and a savings account, putting back $25/month, and any extra money I save up from my weekly allowance from my SSI. (I'm trying to live off $50/week while saving up $150-$200/month.) I think I'm doing pretty well with that. I may be able to take a trip in the fall to see Styx after all if I keep going the way I am. About every six months I plan to cash in what I've saved up in change and put that in savings, too, so hopefully I'll have a several hundred dollars by the time I decide when and where to go see the band. Of course, I'll have to save money in case my friend and I find a house within the next few months, too. I still would like to move by the summer, but I don't know. I'll just have to keep praying that we'll find something soon.

I just read this article ("The Lying Disease"), and it's just horrifying how many liars, scammers, and cheats there are on the internet. I'm not talking about the Nigerian scams, the "friends" who are stranded in foreign countries with no money, etc.; but people who would fake serious, often fatal illnesses to get sympathy and/or money. As it says in the article, Manchausen's Syndrome/Manchausen's by Proxy has been around for decades, and the invention of the internet has just made it easier for these people to scam total strangers. I fee kind of sorry for them (they're mentally ill, after all), but as one commenter said, that's no excuse. I wonder exactly how much their therapy is helping them.

I'm going to go ahead and out myself here. I can be very manipulative myself. It's easier (on me) if I can get other people to do stuff for me. Like getting on SSDI. I've tried to get my counselor to do all that (contact Social Security, since as I told him, social worker types all speak the same language and maybe he could move things along faster. It's also why I wanted him to help me get on Section 8 even with the years long waiting list. He suggested that I contact the housing authorities in places like Garland, although I'd actually rather live someplace like Plano... Collin Creek Mall is there, and I love that place!) It would be very easy for me to make up a fake persona and go on various forums and play the victim. But I can't bring myself to do that. Sooner or later someone would catch me in a lie (or a dozen) and then they'd never trust me again. That would be the worst thing that I could imagine.

One thing I want to do on this blog is be as transparent as possible. I won't always go into great detail about my life, but I will be honest. If I need to vent, then I'll vent (as I've already done a couple of times). I'll be willing to share my joys and my sorrows with everyone whether I know them or not. (I have people in my Google+ circles, and hope to gain more. Anyone and everyone is welcome to comment on this blog or leave a message for me.)

Thanks to all who read my blog. I really appreciate it.

I'm putting back $150 of my SSI check in savings. That means in four months (by my birthday) I'll have $600 saved up. By July it'll be $900. I think that's enough to buy a new computer and an iPod. I'll wait and buy the other stuff I want for Christmas. (The stereo and CDs and stuff.)

Unless my friend and I end up moving before then (I hope we will), then I'll just use the money for my share of the down payment on the house. I haven't been on freecycle in a while, so I don't know what kind of stuff they have on there. It really depends on what area of the city we move to. The "high rent" areas (for lack of a better term) will naturally have nicer stuff people want to give away. Hopefully the people whose house we end up renting/buying won't mind if we install a satellite dish in their yard, because I really want to get something like DISH Network (I wonder if they have internet service? I guess I'll call and ask when time gets closer for us to move.).

I actually think I'd better hold off on the computer and stuff until after the move... two things I want to buy for the new house (at least my room) are a digital TV and a DVD player. Both of those will probably cost me a couple of thousand dollars, depending on where I buy them (Best Buy or Target or someplace). I could look on Amazon or someplace like that. Maybe they'd have them cheaper. I've bought a lot of stuff from Amazon, and I've never been disappointed.

I'm hoping my friend can get her disability soon and find a house so we can get out of our respective living situations!

Musings

I still can't get over the fact that Jameson (Parker; JP) responded to my comments on his blog yesterday. (Okay, so I'm still a little star-struck... I had such a huge crush on the man back in the 80s when he was on Simon & Simon (he played AJ)). But I do enjoy his posts. A few days ago, he wrote an amusing entry, and now he writes something like his "Gun Appreciation Day" entry. And he writes so well! That's the kind of writing I aspire to do. Of course, I don't have the kind of life experiences that he does, so I can't write about the same types of things that he does. (Maybe I'll get one of those emails promising me great riches if I send my personal info to some bank I've never heard of in London or where ever. You know, the ones where an African patriarch died and they haven't been able to find his family, blah-de-blah... Those are always fun to read. Or the lottery somewhere in England. Hey, if I could win a few zillion pounds (how much is a pound in American dollars, anyway?) I could forget about renting a house and just flat-out buy one. A house big enough for me, my friend, our dogs, and maybe more dogs.)

Okay, maybe not. But it's fun to dream about having lots of money. Be as rich as Oprah, or Bill Gates, or Donald Trump... I'd buy the biggest house and property I could find and become the crazy dog lady. :-) I'd adopt as many dogs from shelters as I could, or even right from people who couldn't keep their dogs anymore. And they would live in the lap of luxury, of course. Only the best food and shelter for my babies.

Have y'all heard about that Publisher's Clearinghouse sweepstakes they're doing now? The $5,000/week for life one? What I could do with that much money! And then I might leave it to my friend if I died before she did, or to one of my brothers. Of course, I'd bury most of it in the bank. (Find the best interest-bearing account I could.) I'd make almost a quarter of a million dollars the first year alone (before taxes; I have no idea how much I'd have to pay in taxes. I might be lucky to have $100,000 at the end of the year.) But hey, that would be a heck of a lot more than I'm making now!

Hmmm, I'm getting way off what I was writing about at first, lol. (I tend to do that.) Getting back on topic, I might see if I can go back to school or take a few online courses in creative writing. I've always loved to write, and it probably wouldn't hurt to beef up my skills. My grandmother took some classes when she and my aunt lived in AZ, and she wrote some stories about her life. One of my favorites was a story she used to tell all the time about when I first moved to OK to live with her and my step-grandfather.

It seems a couple of ladies from Green Country MHMR (that's the closest I can come to what it was called) came out to evaluate me. (I have no idea why, and neither did my dad or grandmother.) Anyway, they did a bunch of tests (which I passed with flying colors; I was an intelligent kid!), one of which involved raisins and a bottle. They put the raisins in the bottle and watched to see if I could figure out how to get them out. Of course the neck of the bottle was too small for me to reach my finger into and get them out, so after puzzling over it for a bit, I turned the bottle over and shook them out. Grandma said that as the ladies were leaving, one of them turned to her and said, "Mrs. Merritt, if that child's retarded, I'd sure hate to see a smart one!" lol (Retarded, no. Scatterbrained in the extreme, but definitely not retarded. I'm one of those people who'd lose or forget their head if it wasn't firmly attached.)

I wish I could remember more of my childhood. It's funny (weird) that I have such a great memory, but except for a few little things, I can't remember much about growing up in Oklahoma or visiting my parents in Richland Hills (or even after I moved to Texas full-time). I remember watching my brothers Pat and Lonnie playing football, I remember things like chasing the bus down when I missed it. I remember my brother Lonnie carrying me to the end of the driveway on cold winter mornings. I remember a few of my teachers (like my first-grade teacher, Anna Milligan, who taught me to read. I picked up on that really quickly, needless to say. You can hardly find me without a book these days.)

I remember going to Six Flags when I came down to visit my dad. I even remember the first time I rode the Shockwave there. I was scared of the loops, and ducked my head, getting it trapped between me and the restraining bar. My brother Frank and his then-wife had to work hard to get my head unstuck. I spent a few Christmases with my parents, and I remember one year I got a baby doll that I loved. (I don't know what happened to that doll. I think her name was Angel.)

I do remember one year my grandmother made me a doll (a Cabbage Patch-type doll). She had curly yellow hair, and I named her Elizabeth Ann. I ended up giving her to my Aunt Annette because she had a childhood friend named Elizabeth Ann. (My grandmother made me another doll, of course.) And there were the soft sweaters that all the girls were wearing in Jr. High. I wanted one so bad, and I asked my Aunt Jessie for one for Christmas. Unfortunately, what I got was a purple wool winter sweater. (Okay, that makes since. It was winter, after all, and she didn't know about the fashions in Warner, OK, being from Michigan.)

Jeez, I talk to much even when I'm writing, lol! I'll probably post more memories (such as they are) later.

AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was so hoping to be able to see Styx at Billy Bob's early next year (they're usually there in sometime between mid-January and the end of February, I believe). I just went to BB's website, and they're not on the schedule! WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! :'-( So I guess I'll have to wait and see where they'll be in the fall. (Not in the summer, since they usually do a double or triple bill during their summer tours, and I just want to see them.) This so sucks...

So I'll have to save up my money to take a trip somewhere. I'd love to see them in Chicago. That's where they're from originally, and it would be so awesome to see them in their hometown. Besides, I've never been to Chicago (or anywhere, really... I did see them in Wabash, IN, in 2008), so it would also be great to go up there and do some sightseeing as well.

I'm wondering how much I'd need to save? If I could get a fellow Styx fan to let me stay for a few days, like my friend Jen did in '08, then I wouldn't need but a few hundred dollars, I don't think (for souvenirs and such). Of course, if I had to rent a hotel room, I'd need a lot more. I'll have to think about it...

Anyway, that's added to my list of things to save money for next year.

Went shopping today...

... and as usual came back with a lot of stuff I hadn't planned to. I spent over $100 at Target, buying not only two trashcans (one for the bathroom and one for my living area), but a new blender, some frozen fruit and o.j. for smoothies, and some new socks and underwear (which I really did need). So I got what I wanted, I just hadn't planned to buy it all today. Oh, well. Now I can spend my Christmas money on something really nice that I want. (And if I need groceries, I always have my food stamps. It's only $28/month, but every little bit helps.)

My friend commented that Alaska probably won't be happy once she realizes that she can't play with my trash anymore, lol. I have to agree. But she'll get over it. I'm always buying her little squeaky toys at the dollar store or at Target if I have money. She likes those.(Funny thing... the squeaking never gets on my nerves. I guess I'm just happy it keeps her entertained.)

I think one of my neighbors just went by with his dog. (There are two guys on my floor who have dogs.) She's barking at something outside, and she usually only does that when she hears raised voices or when she senses another dog. (Our dogs don'/t play together unfortunately, so that's another reason I want to move in with my friend. Our four dogs would be able to play.)

There's a dog park that's a part of the new Clyde Warren(?) Park that just opened. Now that I know that I can take Alaska in a cab, maybe I'll take her down there once in awhile and let her meet some other dogs. She needs the socialization, and so do I, so it'll be good for both of us. Maybe I'll start after the new year; I'll have to start saving up for all the cab fare. (Unless I can find someone here who could take us and drop us off for a few hours. I wonder if there are any dog-friendly restaurants in the area where I could stop for lunch or something.)

I'm hoping that Criminal Minds is on tonight. I've developed an interest in that show, and that's one of the ones I want to start a DVD collection of too. (Along with NCIS: L.A. and maybe Bones. I also want Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Charmed, Angel, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers (hey, don't judge me! ;-)), Simon and Simon, The Golden Girls, Hart to Hart (yes, all the shows from my child- and young adulthood that I love... and as you may remember, Robert Wagner starred in Hart to Hart, and as I mentioned last night, I love his acting.)

So that's what some of my plans are. Like I said, I can't buy all this stuff at once, but I can save up for it.