"Duck Dynasty", Christianity, and freedom of speech

Let me just say right now that I don't watch Duck Dynasty. I can almost guarantee you that I wouldn't watch it even if I got the channel it comes on, not being a fan of reality tv.

I do, however, support people's right to say anything they want, even if I personally don't like or approve of what they say. I also have to say that I haven't read the full GQ profile of Mr. Robertson, although I did read the quotes where he seemed to  compare homosexuality with bestiality and where he spoke about living in pre-civil rights Louisiana. (About that: Maybe that was his experience. But he shouldn't act as if it were the experience of every person at that time and place.)

Re: Homosexuality = bestiality/pedophilia -- I took that to mean that homosexuality is a sin, just as bestiality and pedophilia are. Which, if you read the Bible, it is. The Bible calls it an abomination and (if you don't like Leviticus) in Romans it does say that homosexuals are not going to heaven.

A lot of criticism I've read today has regarded Jesus being loving, which he is. But he also judged. He told the woman at the well and the woman caught in adultry, "Go and sin no more." He called them out on their sin! That's what people seem to hate these days -- they don't want to be called out on their sin. They say, "Look at the plank in your own eye before looking at the dust in mine." And I think Christians should be willing to do that. We should be transparent about our sins. And you know what else? We should make damn sure we've truly repented of those sins. I've done stuff that I've repented of, and I truly believe that God helps me every day to go and commit those particular sins no more. But I still stumble. I'm still human and that's what we do. But with God's mercy, love, and help, we can do better. We won't be perfect; only God (and the human Jesus) are/were perfect, but we can definitely be more Christlike.

I also uphold the right of anyone who feels that Mr. Robertson was wrong to call him out on it. Boycott A&E; boycott the show itself. That's also free speech. I don't believe anyone is infringing on Mr. Robertson's right to free speech by doing so.

Let me also say this. Do I think homosexuality is a sin? Yes, I do. Do I think homosexuals are going to hell? If I believe Romans, yes they are. Would I make those beliefs public? If asked bluntly, yes. Would I treat gays differently based on those beliefs? NO. I have two gay men that I love and think of as my family. Do I think marriage equality should be law? YES!!! Because whatever fundamentalists think, this is NOT a solely Christian nation. Nor is this a theocracy. We CANNOT force people who don't believe in the Bible (or hold different beliefs about what the Bible says) to conform to laws that are Bible-based.

There is at least one sin (adultery) that does harm to more people than homosexuality does, and yet it's legal. Why is that? Why should we make an act that does no harm (except perhaps spiritually) illegal while an act that causes pain to many is still legal? Huh? I don't understand.

Well, time for me to get off my soapbox. If anyone has any questions, feel free to ask.

On my way to getting a job

I had my orientation with DARS this morning, and tomorrow I get to call and tell them if I want to work with them. (I do. I knew that going in today.)

Hopefully by Christmas I'll be employed. That would be the awesomest present ever! If not Christmas, then early in the new year. My case manager at LifeNet also told me that I may be able to get a house through Habitat for Humanity, which I thought was just for victims of natural disasters and things like that, but he said no, they also help low-income folks who are working to pull themselves up. It would be cool if I could get a house through them. It's not like they'd just give me a house though... they'd loan me the money for it and then I'd pay it back. I don't care how they do it. Just... a house! Of my very own!

All this is in the future, of course. First I have to get a job, work and save for a year or so to prove I can, and then I'll see about getting a house, whether it's through Habitat or another source.

Things are looking up! :-) The only way they could be better is if I heard from Dallas Housing Authority soon on whether they'll approve my move to my new apartment.

Getting ready to move

As soon as Dallas Housing Authority inspects my new apartment I can move into it. It's just downstairs from where I'm living now, but it's a lot bigger. More room to put my stuff and more room for Alaska to run around. And it'll be good for when I finally move for good. I'm still debating about whether I want a house, a townhome, or maybe a condo. (I hope condos allow pets.)

I still need to find someone who will be willing to co-sign on a loan with me when I'm finally ready to move. I asked my two best friends, and one's credit is as bad as mine and the other flat-out refused. ("I don't co-sign for my partner or my kids, so NO!" lol Well I don't blame him.) Maybe I can get one of my family members to help me out if I need them to.

Well, I better get back to work. Right now I'm trying to clean out my closet and decide what to keep, what to give away, and what to throw away.

Update

I haven't forgotten about my blog, I just haven't had much to write about lately.

I have an appointment at DARS (Department of Aging and Rehabilitative Services, formerly Texas Rehabilitation Commission) on the 25th to see about going back to work. I also need to talk to my case manager at LifeNet (my mental health provider) about getting a part time job through them so I can start saving money for a house. I think I may have to rent for a few years until I get enough experience to move to Ft. Worth. I know I should probably stay where I am, but I do have Alaska to think about. I wish I could find a nice place to live for very low rent, just so I could save some money.

I heard from one of my brothers that we're in the process of dividing up my grandmother's farm and getting each share put into our own names. I'm not sure how long that will take. I will then have to turn around and sell my share to one of my family (anyone know how much land sells for around Warner? A friend of mine says that it's less valuable since it's near an Indian reservation (Talequah). True?) I may either have to sell it on paper (no actual exchange of money) or have them put it in trust for me. The only thing about a trust is that I won't know how long to set it up for. I do know I want to use it to help pay for my house, but I don't want to set the account up for ten years and then need it in seven or whatever.

One thing I would like to do is have someone co-sign for a loan. (My credit sucks, so I could never get one myself.) I'm sure if I get a good enough job I could pay off the loan with no problem. It's something I'll have to talk to my friends about.

Update

I've about decided not to continue with my appeal. I think the fact that I can't get a hold of my medical records is God's way of telling me I need to get my money some other way. And just in case I didn't get it, a lawyer friend of my landlord's also said that it would be better for my physical and mental health if I went back to work.

I'm going to try to get set up with DARS (Department of Aging and Rehabililatative Services) and see if they can help me. I have to admit that I'm still a little worried about having to compete for a job with some kid half my age (college grads are having trouble finding jobs now), but DARS is there to advocate for me. I just hope it doesn't take too long. (I need to call them today and try to get an appointment.)

I'm also going to start withdrawing $100/month in cash from my SSI to save and not tell Social Security. (I hope no one on my friends list works for them... oops! lol) I really want to start saving immediately for a house, and even though it'll take me years, I'm willing to do it. I just don't know if I really want to stay in Dallas. I know I don't have to decide immediately, but I like to plan ahead (it's a control thing, I'll admit). Hopefully by the time comes that I can make the decision I'll have enough experience in whatever career I'm in that it won't be hard to find a job elsewhere. (I really want to do secretarial work -- that's what I trained for and what I'm good at.)

Despite being housebound for so long (I rarely go out except to go shopping or to the doctor... or to meet my friend), I'm still very much a people person. My main concern is that, with my speech impediment, I'll be stuck in a back office somewhere and won't be able to interact with many people. Another thing, I hope I'll be able to get a job among able-bodied people. That's one thing I will insist on (and I imagine the people at DARS won't have a problem with it). Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers that I'll be able to find something.

Holy Bullies and Headless Monsters: NOM had better recognize that its supporters are going too far

Holy Bullies and Headless Monsters: NOM had better recognize that its supporters are going too far

Wow. Just... why would she even say something like that? Not just the part about childrenof gay couples being intheir "grip" or "possession", which gays and their allies are pretty used to hearing, but about googling information about the kids and their families? Why would anyone want to cause harm to innocent kids and their parents? This is so disturbing.

Gonna be a long, hard road ahead...

I have to get in touch with the V.A. pretty soon to see if I can get my medical records from Carswell and possibly Ft. Gordon. That's going to take awhile. I also need to get my records from Richardson Medical where I had my back surgery back in '87 (hopefully they still have them, at least on microfilm). My doctor is going to.schedule me for an MRI on my knees, hopefully soon.

My friend is going to handle the case on his own with some help from a contact in Social Security (which is why he needs my file). He's going to read it front to back, then the two of us will get together and go through it hoping to find something that will prove they made the initial denial back in 2006 based on inaccurate information. If we can get them to reopen and reexamine the case, that will be great. (It's completely at their discretion though... unfortunately, not even a judge can order them to do it.)

My friend is even willing to call Washington in hopes of finding a sympathetic ear to hear my case. I am going to owe him big time. I've already decided that if he actually pulls this off, I'm giving him 30% of my backpay, however much it is. (I think that's about how much I'd be paying a lawyer.) Not sure what I'll do if they refuse to take another look at the case. Probably take some of my savings and treat him to dinner, which is far too little thanks for all he's doing.

Thank you so much, Doug, and however it goes, you'll have my undying gratitude forever!

Talked to Social Security again...

... and again they said I can't get DAC under my original diagnoses. (They can't have me reevaluated based on those diagnoses... it's kinda like double jeopardy in a criminal case). BUT, my friend who's been helping me out thinks the rep we talked to may have given him a loophole.

See, I also suffer from severe depression, a complication of my disabilities. Wouldn't anyone be depressed if they couldn't work or get around well or do all the things you able-bodied folks can do?

Plus, from all the conversations I've had with them, it seems that they may have made their initial decision based on incorrect information, also. So that's another ace up my sleeve. It'll take a judge to determine that, though.

I just spoke to a representative from Coats and Todd (disability lawyers), and she promised that someone would get back to me in no more than a week to discuss whether they can help me. I hope they can.

Sorry I haven't updated...

But there hasn't been much to report that I haven't posted on facebook. I have an appointment at 5:00 today to go see the apartment in Plano (Sequoia at Courtney Manor). Wish I could post a link here... from the description and pix on forrent.com, it looks/sounds about perfect! It's 1bed/1 bath, but the bedroom is big, the living/dining area is huge, and it has a full kitchen! (It's 1,017 sq.ft.) There are two walk in closets, a fireplace, and a balcony or a deck (depending on whether you're upstairs or down... with my knees and back in the shape they're in, I prefer downstairs).

I was going to wait until I was sure I'd be getting my benefits to actually look at apartments, but I feel really good about getting them. (Those of you who know me may know or remember how resilient I am.) I have a couple of friends who are going to help me apply, and they'll help me appeal if necessary. I'm going to try to get a hold of as many of my medical records as I can. My current doctor has the x-rays I had taken a couple of weeks ago, and she can confirm my disability. (Not sure if she can tell from the x-rays how long ago my surgery was, though.)

I'm hoping it won't take long to get approved. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make it happen. I'll keep everyone updated...

This wasn't supposed to happen...

I feel like the powers that love to fuck me over are laughing hysterically right now. I was supposed to file my claim today and even if I was denied, my lawyer was going to appeal. Come to find out, even if I do file, since I filed back in 2006 and was denied (apparently I wasn't "disabled enough" or some such shit), I'll just be denied again. I'm the one who lives with back and knee pain, not them! Why do they get to decide if I'm able to work or not?! Everyone I talk to KNOWS I'm disabled... they can literally hear it.

You know, I would actually love to work. But no one will hire me! I've tried to get a job, believe me. I have skills, I'm intelligent, and if there's something I don't know, I know how to open my mouth and fucking ASK. But people listen to how I talk, maybe see how I stand and walk, and I never get called back for an interview. Do you know how much that sucks? Not only that, it's damned hurtful. Okay, I'm slow (physically, at least), but I have a lot to offer an employer. Give me a fucking chance and I'll prove it.

There's so much I want to do, and $700+/month doesn't allow me (or anyone else) to do much. I'm saving as much as I can, but I'm only allowed to save $2,000. If I was on DAC, I could save a million dollars. $2,000 vs unlimited... what would any of you choose? You can do a hell of a lot more with unlimited funds than you can with $2,000. I could take a vacation every year if I wanted, go to Styx concerts, whatever.

I just want to be able to have a good... no, a better life than what I'm living now. Yeah, I'd still have to budget. I'd have to make choices... would I rather spend my money on A or B? But I'd be able to make better choices with more money. (Say, I could afford a hotel room AND get souvenirs at the Styx concert instead of choosing one over the other.)

And the housing thing. As long as I'm only on SSI, I'm pretty much stuck here where I am. I can't afford anything better. I can get on regular Section 8 (right now I'm in a special program for people with physical and/or mental disabilities, but 1. they're not taking applications right now, and 2. I want a place that's (sorta) my own (I'd still be paying rent to someone). I don't think I'm asking for too much, do you?

Well, I've gone on long enough. I needed to vent, and this is way too long for a Facebook status update. If you've made it this far, I thank you for reading! I do appreciate all who read my blog, whether you leave feedback or not.

And apologies for the profanity. Sometimes it just feels good to drop an f-bomb here and there... lol.

More eager than ever to be on DAC

I found the perfect apartment in La Grange Park, IL (a suburb of Chicago). 2 bedrooms from $800 and it's pet-friendly! The town has a population of a little over 13,000 people (almost twice the size of the town I lived in before moving to Dallas). I'll have to go up and see the place for myself before I make any decisions, of course, but as of right now it looks like I've found my new home.

I would like to go up there in December or January to get a taste of what the winters are like. I'm not ignoring the fact that I have arthritis in both knees, so I have to be mindful of that. I do plan on getting a Hoveround chair for when I'm not able to get around well. I also want to buy a cane/walking stick to use too.

Please, God, let me get these benefits!

Question

You know, I've been hearing/reading the past few days about how pro-equality folks are trying to "force" acceptance of same-sex marriage. What I want to know is how are we doing that? No one has to accept it; just tolerate it. You can tell a gay couple that their marriage is "fake", just like you can tell a mixed-race couple that their marriage is "fake". (Just don't be surprised if either couple tells you what you can do with your opinion.)

I haven't heard much about pastors and other religious people in Canada and other places being arrested for speaking out against homosexuality lately. (A few years ago I read about that.) There's a reason I don't think that will happen in the U.S., though... you see, there's a little thing called "freedom of speech" in our Constitution, which I'm not sure is included in the constitutions of other countries. This means you can say just about anything you want to about anyone without being arrested. (That does not mean there won't be other consequences, as many folks have already discovered.) But haters will still be allowed to hate; bigots will still be allowed to be bigots, and things will go on pretty much as they always have (except there will be more people getting married).

As for incest, polygamy, bestiality, etc.... we may have to redefine marriage to include two unmarried, unrelated humans. (Of course, we all know why children and animals can't get married... neither of them can give informed consent. In the animal's case, it can't consent at all. At least not in a language humans can understand.)

Oh, and as far as.crazy people who claim to be "married" to the Eiffel Tower or the Empire State Building (inanimate objects)... *snorts* just let 'em. The Eiffel Tower and the Empire State Building didn't consent, either.

Looking for a place of my own

Well, I won't be moving in with my friend after all. So if and when I get my DAC benefits, I'll be saving up to get my own apartment. There's a place right down the street I'm considering called CityVue, and I plan to stop by the leasing office next time I'm out and about to ask about them.

I'll also consider a townhouse if I can find one for $500-$600/month. I wouldn't mind moving up north of here, say Plano, if I can find an inexpensive place. I'll have to get an apartment guide and see what's available. Of course I could move out to Irving too. Or move back to Ft. Worth/Richland Hills. I can ride the TRE back and forth to visit my friends here.

Or I could save my money and find a place out of state. My friend Nessa lives in New Orleans; maybe she could help me find a place there. I've always wanted to visit. It's such a beautiful old city, rich in history and culture (those parts of it that weren't destroyed by Katrina, anyway).

Or I might could go to Chicago. Yes, the winters are brutal, but still it's a lovely city, and I've been wanting to go there (to visit) for quite awhile, too. I do need to research the cost of living where ever I decide to go... don't want to live anywhere that I'll spend all my money just on expenses.

All this is just pie in the sky fantasizing at this point, though... I don't even have my appointment to file my claim until Tuesday. And even then it could be months before I hear anything, and even then I could be denied. (If I am, though, I'll appeal it.)

We'll just have to wait and see...

Finally have an appointment

with Social Security. It's on Tuesday of next week (phone appointment). I am sooo relieved! I think it'll be a few months before I find out if I've been approved or denied, but in the event that I am denied, my attorney is willing to take my case all the way to a hearing. That's a huge relief, too.

Can it be next Tuesday now? lol

On the phone w/ SSA

I'm trying to schedule an appt to apply for my benefits, but there's not one to be found.  :'( I did find out that the normal length of time between filing and the decision (approved or denied) is approximately four months (for SSDI). For DAC, it will probably be shorter, thank goodness... unless, of course, I'm denied, lol. I do need to find out if my lawyer will be willing to handle my appeal in the event that I'm denied. If not, I guess I better start thinking about who I want to be my new lawyer...

Well, that's all for now. I have my appt for my X-rays on Monday, and then on Wednesday I have to see my PCP to get the results of my labwork and find out if I'm diabetic or not. (What fun!) I need to make sure my lawyer has all her (doctor's) info so she can get my medical records from her (I am so glad my lawyer's getting paid on a contingency basis; I shudder to think how much this would cost me per hour! I'd be paying for years to come! lol)

So as of now, the waiting game. I just hope I don't have to wait too long, though...

I'm still very "up" today

I am a little bit sore, though. We walked from the mall to a Target not far away, and I don't know why, but I was just hurting all over when we got there. We picked up some stuff to eat and sat around catching up for an hour or more. We did some browsing and found some cute kitchen appliances that she liked. Then we went back to the mall and browsed a bit through a furniture store, took some pictures, talked a lot, laughed some, and generally had a wonderful time. We talked some about setting up savings accounts. A household account for home maintenance/repairs, and one for emergencies, like in case one of us has to go to the hospital. We'll both be on Medicare, but unlike Medicaid, that requires a co-pay for medications (don't know about hospital stays or any procedures/surgeries). She also suggested setting up advance directives and making each other our emergency contacts, which makes sense. Neither of us are particularly close to our families, so we'll know more than they do about each other's medical issues and needs.

Out of $1,300/month (I'm still going to try to put at least $500/month into savings), I'd like to put $50-$100 into both joint accounts (household and emergency).

I found out last night when I checked my email that I have to redo all the forms that my lawyer sent me because they misspelled my last name on the first batch. Oops!  :-) But I don't mind; I'm used to people not being able to spell or pronounce my name. lol (I've thought about changing it partly for that reason. Ciana Douglas (the name I use on forums) is a little easier to spell and say. Besides, I happen to think it's a beautiful name.)

So that's what happened yesterday. I'm hoping to get together with her again soon, maybe at the end of the month, providing it's not cold and rainy like yesterday.

Update

She's trying to set up a telephone appointment for me to apply for my DAC benefits. She spoke to someone earlier who took my information, and their going to do what they can on their end to speed up the process. I imagine I'll still need to get my medical records from the joint yOureserve base (formerly Carswell Air Force Base) and the doctor who did my back surgery 25 freakin' years ago. I'd hate to be whoever has to go through the archives to find my records. I just hope like hell they still exist.  :-(

Not much else is going on. I'm still busy decorating the new house, lol. (My roommate and I haven't even gone out looking at houses yet. She's been getting on me a little bit about "putting the cart before the horse", which I admit freely I am. I'm just so excited! I've never had a roommate before, so this should be interesting. And as I've said before, it'll be good for Alaska, cause she'll have other dogs to play with, plus a much bigger living area. We really want a two-story house with four bedrooms and a large (I insist on fenced in) backyard. (I don't want to risk Alaska getting out and maybe running into the street and getting hit by a car.)

I also would love walk-in closets. I'm a huge clothes hound, and I'd love to be able to go shopping and buy nice clothes that actually fit well. I'll probably end up doing a lot of online shopping (Amazon, Lane Bryant, places like that). When you buy alot of stuff and don't have a car, it's just easier to get it delivered. I can take a taxi if a store is close, but not if we don't live close to a mall or something.

I'd like to start saving up for a car. I don't drive, but I'm hoping my roommate knows how. That would be a big help. We could go places we couldn't get to on the bus. I'd like to explore the city, but my knees are getting pretty bad. (Arthritis) Of course, exercise would go a long way in easing the pain, I'm sure. I have a doctor's appointment on Monday, and I'm hoping to get a knee brace. (Hopefully they'll also have the results of my labwork back and can tell me more about what they discovered last time.)

Well, it's half an hour until NCIS starts, and an hour and a half until NCIS: L.A., so I'll end here. Chris O'Donnell directed tonight's episode of L.A., so I'm eager to watch it. I'll probably be tweeting all through it. Might even post on Facebook about it.

Talked to my lawyer

I gave her my dad's social security number and she's going to call and see if she can set up a phone appointment for us. The first lady I talked to there on the first said that as far as she could tell I have a pretty good case, but we'll see. I just hope my lawyer doesn't have a huge problem getting my medical records. God knows where they are.

I'll be posting more when I hear more...

Yay!

I can now blog from my phone so I won't have to post novels as Facebook status updates! lol Hm, I can do so much from here, I may not even need a laptop. This phone is wonderful!

A little bit upset right now...

I usually don't write much about my family (at least not the stuff that upsets me), but I'm going to break that rule this once.

I just found out from my aunt that my cousin (not her son) has been in the hospital for over four months with a very serious illness. I spoke to one of my brothers a few weeks ago, and he told me our cousin was in the hospital, but he didn't say how serious it was! He's on dialysis and has had some other operations. I also found out that all three of my brothers and sisters-in-law have been up to see him and I wasn't invited or even told! What, I don't have a right to visit him?! *Sigh* Reminds me of when my aunt died and I didn't find out until long after the fact. I've been estranged from my brothers for a number of years (due to some stuff that I did, I'll admit that). I'm only in semi-regular contact with one of them; the other two I only see/talk to at Christmas every few years (don't know if that'll change now that my younger brother, who hosts our get-togethers at his home is retiring from the Navy.

I'd love to be closer to them. They're the only immediate family I have left. (No offense to my aunt and cousins. :-)) Maybe when my roommate and I get our house, I can have them over for dinner. (If we're still in Texas, that is. I don't know how we'll work things if I move out of state.) It'll be hard, because while we're all in the same state for the first time in years, my youngest brother is in Richland Hills, my middle one is in San Antonio, and my oldest one (I believe) is in Keller. And of course I'm in Dallas. So I don't know. I don't know if they all want a relationship with me, or if they just want one at a distance. If that's the case, then I guess I'll have to accept that. I'd like to have them know that I've grown up and changed a little bit. I have no idea if they've seen any of my blog entries or anything. Maybe I'll send them a link to it. Yeah, some of what I write is pretty superficial (what I want to spend money on, and stuff like that.) But I also write about deeper stuff, and I want them to know that I have strong feelings and opinions about what's going on in the world.

Randomness

Wow, I've had this blog since October, and already I've posted 68 (including this one) entries! I wonder how many I'll post by this October (the one year anniversary, eight months from now)? I look forward to that. Hopefully I'll be posting from wherever my roommate and I are living at the time.

I'm hoping that I get my dad's check (for Feb.) on Monday or even tomorrow or Saturday. (I think it may have gone out Tuesday.) I'm planning to take it right to Chase Bank and opening a checking and a savings account with most of it, and keeping something like $50. I'm also expecting my check for March on the 28th or so, and I'll be doing the exact same thing (and using it to set up direct deposit so it won't  get lost in the mail again... the first time this has happened!

Hey, I just thought of something! It would be awesome if my roomie and I each got north of $1,000/month in disability. That way we could afford to pay more for a nicer house! I'd like to be able to get a really nice place. (Or at least a fixer-upper that doesn't need much fixing...) My roomie has been looking at 2, 3, and 4 bdrm houses, which would be good. (Possibly we could have guests if we got a 4 bdrm? We'd like one to use as an office. Keep our computers, files, etc. in there.)

I'm not sure how she'd feel about a two-story house. It would be fun for the dogs to be able to run up and down stairs, and I could also use the exercise, lol. I need to lose some of this gut! (BTW, I found some workout clothes on Amazon, along with a Total Gym. I already have a Total Gym, although I don't know if I'm going to take it with me. I may donate it to the building and see if anyone here would want to set it up and use it. If not, I can sell it.)

I also have to work on finding out how much land goes for in OK. I inherited about 5 acres (I think) from my grandmother, and since I don't plan on ever living up there again, I'd rather have the money than the property. My brother is willing to buy it from me if I can find out how much to ask for it. If I can get my cousin David's phone number, I could call him and find out.

............

Just messaged my aunt on Facebook and asked her if she knew how to get in touch with him. Hope she gets back in touch with me. I don't know if the property is in my name or not (probably not; I never signed any papers or anything that I remember... although I was so upset at the time, I may have forgotten. I don't even know what happened to all the stuff that was in the house... I do know that I've never gotten anything.) I don't know why I'm writing all this. It's been a little over six years since she passed, and while I think about her all the time (and it still makes me sad that I won't see her again for a long time (God willing), I'm talking about what I can get from her estate?!?! Does that make me sound like a greedy biotch? I hope not. I remember what my aunt said at her funeral, because it was the same thing I was thinking. Grandma had three children of her own, but she had ten kids. Me and my three brothers, her brother's four sons, plus her own. She was a remarkable woman with a huge heart, and I can't say enough about her. What I wouldn't give to be able to see and talk to her again. I'll miss her always.

Musings...

As I said in my Facebook status update yesterday morning, I called a disability attorney who is going to try to see if she can get me my DAC benefits. If she does, I'm going to start saving up money so I can get an apartment away from here. I really want out, and I can continue saving money for when my roommate and I are ready to buy our house (yes, we're going to do the "rent-to-own" thing). At this point, I really don't care where we live, whether we stay in Texas or move out of state. I just want to leave.

Some things I'd love to have for the new place: nice furniture (we both have bedroom stuff, but we need living, dining, and kitchen stuff); I want my bedroom and bath (if we have 2 bathrooms) to be decorated in shades of purple (plum, lilac, orchid, that type of thing). She prefers peach and burgandy... she'd like burgandy for the living room. I wonder if we could add some peach and purple accents? I guess we could go to some kind of furniture showroom and get some ideas. She suggested awhile back that maybe we could go to Lowe's or somewhere and get some stick-on borders (with her asthma, we can't do any painting). I wonder if there is any such thing as wallpaper you can just stick on? I mean stuff you don't need paste to put it up. That would also be a good thing. (Don't want her having an attack because of the fumes.)

Also, I want to save up to buy some new clothes (even if they're only new to me, i.e., from Goodwill). I have some nice things that I'll be taking with me, of course, but I want some new pants (as of now, I only have two or three pairs that fit). And if we end up moving up north (Seattle or Minneapolis), I'll need some good cold weather clothes (sweaters and coats and such. Don't forget the long johns, either! :-)) And I want some new sheet sets. I have a few sheets, but I want to be able to change my bed more than a couple of times a week. Maybe I'll sell my current bed and save up for a full size? That way Alaska and I will both have room. (Yes, she sleeps with me.)

I also need a dog carrier and a bed for her. I'd like to be able to take her to the dog park (there's one at White Rock Lake, I think, off of Mockingbird), and the only way my counselor (onsite) will take me is if she's in a carrier. Which is understandable. If we ever got into an accident, she could be hurt, and I'd be devastated.  George understands that she's my baby (he has dogs, too, and I bet he feels the same way about them), and how it would tear me up if anything happened to her, especially if I could have prevented it. So when I get my check next month, I'm going to Petsmart (there's one on Greenville, not too far from where I live) and price carriers and beds.

..............

Yay! I just went to Amazon, and they have a purple zebra stripe pet carrier for $39. I'm going to get it! (I hope shipping isn't too much...) So next month I can go to the dog park and let Alaska run around and play with the other dogs. I'm happy now! :-)

May be leaving Texas

I don't know if I've mentioned before that my roommate has asthma really bad, but she wants to move to an area that's good for asthma sufferers. The three cities in the running right now are Cape Coral, FL; Seattle (home of Starbucks! Yay, I love Starbucks, even though I don't have enough money to go there very often), and Minneapolis. Minneapolis, as we all know, is a large city with a high pollen count (and probably high pollution), it also has a number of asthma specialists, so that's a very good thing.

I'm a Southern girl through and through (never really thought about living further north than maybe VA or MD), so I don't know about living in Washington state or Minnesota (it would satisfy my love for snow in the winter, although I don't know how I'd feel with snow and ice up to my bum, lol). Also, Minneapolis isn't far from Chicago, is it? (Within a few hundred miles? I ask that because I would love to be able to see Styx in their hometown, and I don't know how many dates they play in or around Minneapolis. Also don't know if they play in FL.)

I'd also prefer FL because it's near the ocean. I don't know if Cape Coral is near the ocean, but it has lots of canals (water!). I don't swim, but I'd love to be able to lay out on the beach sometimes and get a tan during the summer. (Also can do that during the winter, too.) OMG, I just thought of something... living in FL means we may be in the path of hurricanes!!!! So maybe that's not such a good idea. My roommate and I will have to discuss it. At least in WA and MN we won't have to worry about wonky weather (I can't remember hearing about tornadoes or earthquakes or anything in those states.)

Another reason I'd love to live in FL is because I have an aunt there. I'd like to be in a place where I know someone. Oh, well, I guess we'll just have to wait and see. I'm basically leaving it up to roomie where we move. As I told her, it's her health and comfort that's really important.

I have Kindle Cloud on my computer now!

I've also added some classic novels onto it (that I got free from Amazon! How cool is that?!) When I get some birthday money, I may buy some of the other books I want.

If there's anyone who has a Kindle/Kindle Fire, is there any way I can "synch" it to my Cloud and download all the books I have on my laptop to my Kindle (when I get one)? (Like you synch an iPod?)

A couple of the books I have are French/English dialogue and a French/English dictionary. (I think I have a Spanish phrase book too.) So I can practice my foreign language skills a little bit. I'm glad about that! (I'm going to try to get a Kindle for my birthday if I can. They're good to have. I can carry an entire library around with me, and read several books at the same time. Again, thank God for a good memory, lol!)

Added lots more stuff to my Amazon want list...

Among them are some Spanish and French language courses. There's a lady who comments on Jameson Parker's blog fairly frequently who's French, and I would love to learn her language. I've done pretty well in the past picking up various words and phrases in foreign languages (thank God for a good memory!), and now that I'm getting older, I think it would be a good idea for me to continue giving my brain a good workout by trying to learn new things. Yeah, it'll be hard since I won't have anyone to practice with (except for "talking" to Anita on JP's blog), but still... And since I do live in Texas, it will be good for me to learn some more Spanish, too. (My housekeeper speaks it, as do some of the residents in my building.) I think it'll be fun.

I've also put some of my other favorite books and CDs and DVDs on my want list. Hopefully I can order some of them for my birthday. I should have close to $1,000 by then, and even spending $250 of it on a new (used) computer, I'll have enough left to have a nice birthday.

I've been a little bit upset this past week. I haven't gotten my check from my dad's retirement from the airport yet, and I'm really hurting for money. I need to buy groceries soon, and I don't know what to do. I tried to call the lady in charge of the retirement accounts at the airport, but she hasn't been in the office and hasn't gotten back to me. I hope she does soon so I can find out where my check is. I'm hoping it will be here next week.  I'm also trying to get my dad's social security number so I'll have it when I go back to apply for my DAC benefits.

I'm hoping that we'll find a house soon, too. I'm being as patient as I can, but if you know me, you know that's not easy! lol

Not good news, but I can take care of it

I went to my appointment today, and guess what? They couldn't find a trace of my dad in the computer. I gave the lady his name, his birthdate, birthplace, my grandmother's maiden name... nope, not there. WTF? I called the lady in charge of the DFW Airport retirement plan (whatever they call it) and asked her to call me back with his social security number. (I hope they have it.) Now I just have to wait...

I also found out the correct terminology for what I'm applying for... it's Disabled Adult Children's benefits. Now I don't have to give the lengthy explanation the next time I have an appointment.

I have a doctor's appointment at the end of next month. I'm going to try to get a full physical exam (I expect Social Security will want proof from a doctor that I have the disabilities that I say I do. Of course they know I have cerebral palsy and scoliosis, but I also have arthritis, emphysema, and bipolar disorder, all of which I was diagnosed with after I was approved for SSI.) So I guess sometime in March I'll go back to Social Security and apply for DAC benefits. Hopefully I'll be able to get them.

My thoughts

"UK Government Source: Teachers May Face Firing for Refusing to Teach Gay Marriage"

As with any other job where you work with the public (and teaching children is "working with the public", unless you work at a private religious school or home school), you can't discriminate. If the law says you must teach about various types of families, you have to teach about those families, or you can find another job.

(Knowing regrettably little about the fight for equality in the UK or in the rest of the European Union, I'm coming at this from the perspective of an American. If anyone reads this who knows more about the laws in the UK or the EU, I'd love your input!)

Look, gays and gay families are here to stay. They're not going away just because some folks wish to ignore them and pretend they don't exist. Gay couples will get married (or have civil unions, domestic partnerships, or whatever) and adopt children or have their own whether the Religious Right likes it or not.  That's a given.

You see, I've read and heard (and agree) that part of "freedom of religion" is freedom from religion -- we're all free to believe, or not, in a Higher Power (whether it's God, Allah, Krishna, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster (for all my Pastaferian friends ;-)). As much as my Christian friends don't want to hear it, this is not a Christian Nation. Even though some of our laws coincide with biblical laws (e.g., "thou shalt not kill" and "thou shalt not steal"), those laws are in place to protect the rights of other Americans (i.e., the right to life and the right to their property).  Whose rights does not allowing gays to marry and have children protect? The rights of Christians not to have to see "those people" going around acting as though what they're doing is completely natural and normal? Sorry, but it is normal and natural -- for them. Gay people deserve to be able to be with the ones they're in love with, just like straight people do. (And if the thought of gay sex grosses you out, here's an novel idea -- do what I do and don't think about it! See how easy that was?)

I will say that I sometimes have sympathy for Christians who can't deal with the thought of gay rights or gay equality. I was right there with you up until about the time I was 25 or so. I was raised Southern Baptist, as a lot of you know, and a lot of you know that Southern Baptists are some of the most conservative folks around! (For all that they hate Catholics, they sure have some of the same ideas!) Then I moved to Dallas and met some gay people. And I discovered that hey! They're really no different than straights. Not one of them have ever tried to "recruit" me into the "gay lifestyle" (for lack of a better phrase), and I've grown to love some of them like my own family. There are rare occasions when I wonder if what I'm doing is "right", if maybe I'll end up going to hell for "doing what's right in my own eyes", but if I do, I know that a lot of other people will be there with me. I'm just trying to treat people the way I'd want to be treated, and that includes fighting to give them the same rights that I have -- the right to marry the person that they love, the right to raise children, the right to go where they want and do what they want without fear of being attacked (verbally and/or physically). As long as it's not harming anyone else (and it's not), it's nobody's business what they do or where they go.

Have an appt. at Social Security on Thursday

I'll be applying (for the second time) for SSDI. I hope I can get it this time. I'm going to call a lawyer as soon as I get home and see if he'll work with me to get it. I'm hoping that if I can get even a few hundred dollars more a month, then I can save enough by the end of the year to make a down payment on a house.

My roommate talked to a paralegal in her lawyer's office this morning (she said the woman was awfully rude!) and the paralegal will talk to the lawyer. I hope he'll finally get off his ass and help her!  She needs the money!

I think I have a couple of hundred in savings right now. Hopefully I'll get my check from my dad's retirement tomorrow. With my weekly allowance, that will be $184. I need to do some grocery shopping, and I also have an appt. at the groomer's next Monday for Alaska. That'll cost about $60.  I also need to get some quarters to do laundry (another reason I want to get my own place... I can have a washing machine and dryer that I don't have to pay to use!).

I need a new phone. The screen froze on my current one and I can't use the little slider thingy to unlock it. I hope I have insurance on it. I really don't want to have to pay for a new one (or at least pay full price, which I believe was $60). Sometimes technology is more trouble than it's worth, lol. I can say the same about my computer, although it's not really the computer's fault that the broadband link is unavailable (and comes back when it damn well pleases), or that the DNS lookup failed (what the hell does that even mean???). Sometimes I feel like doing an Elvis (am I the only one who's heard the story (possibly apocryphal) that whenever Elvis didn't like what was on tv, he'd pull out a gun and shoot it? Good thing I don't have a gun in my possession; I'd be doing that to my computer at least five times a day. lmao) #firstworldproblems

Well, I'll probably update between now and Thursday, but I'll definitely let you all know how my appt. with Social Security went!

Just read an article

"Roe vs Wade Gives Mortal Man the Legal Right to Commit Murder"

It's by Charlie Daniels (yes, that Charlie Daniels), and I have to say that I agree. I'm conservative enough to believe in the sanctity of life, but liberal enough that I know it's not my place to tell others that they must believe as I do or what they can and cannot do with their own bodies. I once heard someone refer to a fetus as a "parasite" (which technically it is, as all unborn creatures are -- they feed off their "hosts", i.e. their mothers), and I was horrified. Technically speaking or not, that "parasite" is a living being that nine months after it begins "feeding" on its "host" is able to live outside its mother's body.

When does life begin? A lot of people, religious and not, believe that life begins at conception, when the cells begin dividing. I, obviously, agree (although the Bible verse Mr. Daniels quoted seems to indicate that "life", at least spiritually, begins even before that.)

Mr. Daniels also posed a question that I've been asking ever since the Scott Peterson case (as you may recall, Peterson was sentenced to death for the murders of his wife, Lacey, and their unborn son, Connor). The question he asks is, "How can a court that upholds abortion consider the slaying of a pregnant woman a double murder?" I've asked that question myself, and have received no answer. Possibly because, as Mr. Daniels noted, it makes no sense. Is a baby only a baby (as opposed to a "fetus" or a "pregnancy" or whatever else you want to call it to make yourself feel better about taking a human life) when it's wanted? That makes no sense, either (at least to me). If someone who wholeheartedly believes that an unborn child is a "parasite", or simply a blob of tissue reads this, could you please explain it to me? I would like to know. I welcome any and all comments, even if you decide to bash me for my beliefs. They're strong enough that they won't be changed just because someone disagrees with me.

Ugh...

I'm going to have to find out who the ISP is for the office, so I'll know who NOT to call when I want to set up internet/phone service with when I move! (No problems with the phone, but the internet service sometimes sucks!) I've had to reboot my laptop twice this morning because 1. "The broadband link is currently unavailable", and I thought rebooting might help (it didn't... the broadband link seems to come back when it's good and ready), and 2. I lost my internet connection, and instead of waiting (patience may be a virtue, but unfortunately, it's not one of mine), I just decided to reboot again. My laptop reconnected immediately. Yay!

So that's all that's happened this morning. :-)

Texting my roommate

I've found out a little more about the house she found for us. It's 2400 sq.ft., large backyard w/ enclosed dog run, gourmet kitchen w/ marble island, plenty of cabinet space, media/theater room upstairs, unfurnished, don't know how many bdrms/baths. She's waiting for the owners to reply to her email about if they'll be willing to do a rent to own type of thing. I'm sure they'll want to meet us (I would, just to see what kind of women we are. Hey, we may be in our forties and disabled, but that  doesn't mean we don't know how to have a GOOOOOOOD TIME! LOL Although we probably won't... *g*)

It looks like this may actually happen! I'm getting more and more excited. I'll definitely keep everyone updated!

She just texted me and told me that her dog that just had puppies just had a seizure. We're hoping nothing happens to her, because that would leave the babies without milk.

*Sigh*

I'm not sure whether to get my hopes up or not. I just saw a Facebook message from my friend that she found a house that are rent-free for the first three months and then $450/month beginning the fourth month. That would sure help us save money to buy stuff we'll need, but after so many disappointments, I'm not sure how to feel. I guess I'll wait for her to text me back (I asked for more info).

I'm more than ready to get out of here (even though she doesn't have her disability yet... I guess if she doesn't get it within those three months, I could use my savings to pay her half, and she could pay me back?!). I have an appointment at Social Security on the 31st to apply for SSDI, so maybe I'll be getting more money myself. I hope so. One of my biggest dreams (I've said this before) is to have a home of my own (or in this case, half of my own) with nice stuff. I'm keeping most of my furniture except for one chest of drawers that I don't use. So I have a bed, a chest of drawers, a desk, and a wicker chest to keep stuff in. I also have three trash cans (one we can keep in the kitchen, one for my bedroom, and one for the bathroom); I have dishes and silverware and a couple of pots and pans (I do have a wok that we can use for stir-fry if we want). I don't know what all she has, but I suspect that there's a lot we'll need. (Living room/dining room furniture, for sure, and probably other stuff for the kitchen, which we can get off of freecycle. We'll need at least a couple of TVs. I can buy one, I guess, since I'm planning to anyway. We'll need to see how much the utilities (gas/water/electricity) will be, then see how much we'll have to spend for internet/cable (or satellite).)

I guess I'll have to wait until tomorrow to hear back from her.

A huge dream of mine...

One of my dream jobs would be to work in a book or music store (like Border's, before they went under, or Barnes & Noble). I would love to get a small-business loan (yeah, right, my credit sucks) and be able to buy a building and open my own store (like Half-Price Books). I'd need a partner, of course, someone who has management/accounting experience. (I've never managed anything in my life, and financial stuff makes me break out in hives... Okay, that's a slight exaggeration, but not much of one. lol) I'd love to sell books, music, movies, and cards, and maybe have a little cafe (like most bookstores have these days).

I've always been a huge reader, not to mention I'm passionate about music, so being around books and CDs and DVDs all day would be like a dream come true. Maybe I could start small; have a yard sale and sell some of the stuff I have already. (I don't have a lot of books and stuff, and most of what I have I want to keep, but I'm going to have to do a lot of weeding before I move anyway...) One of the reasons I haven't been able to find a job, I think, is because of my speech (I had one lady tell me outright that that was why I wouldn't be hired... evidently people from the corporate office stopped in sometimes, and I forget what else she said. I was too stunned to pay attention. :-() Unfortunately it was awhile back, so it's probably too late to contact the EEOC and file a complaint under the ADA.

Would love some feedback

I just read a story on Huffington Post, and some of the comments got me to thinking. We're called not to judge ("Judge not lest ye be judged"), and yet we're also called to call sin sin. Now in my opinion, the kind of judging Christ was referring to was like "You're going to hell" for this or that. Some things are evil and sinful. If we're not to judge, how can we call the Holocaust evil? How can we say that Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden were evil men?

In this post, I'm not talking about gay rights or gay marriage, even though the HuffPost article was. I believe, as do a lot of other people, that God created some people gay, just like he created some people straight or bi or transgender. (I actually met a male-to-female transperson last year, and had no problem referring to her by her chosen gender identity.) I;m just speaking in general terms about how my view of any given topic can be right for me and yours can be right for you, and no one has a right to judge another. Well, we do judge each other all the time.

For example, I appreciate all the humanitarian things Angelina Jolie does, but I don't like her because 1. She stole Brad Pitt from Jennifer Aniston, and 2. She's a spoiled b!tch. From all I've read about her, in her personal life, it's her way or no way. You can't be that way in a relationship, and even though Brad was wrong in what he did, I think he's a saint to have put up with her for 7(?) years. (Of course, he does have his kids to think about, too, and I can totally understand his wanting to stay with her for their sake.)

And then there are all the hypocritical Republicans (Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney, to name two). Newt because not only has he been married three times, but he cheated on Wife #1 with Wife#2, and on Wife #2 with Wife #3. And yet allowing gays to marry would "destroy the sanctity of marriage". WTF And of course with good ol' Mitt, when he was governor  of MA, there was Romneycare. Yet when we get Obamacare (which is exactly the same thing as Romneycare), suddenly he's against it. Why, unless it's just because Obama's a Democrat? It kinda disgusts me how the Republicans shoot down everything our President tries to do just because he's a Democrat. (The Democrats do the same to the Republicans, of course, but at least the Democrats aren't trying to send us back to the 50s or something. I'm talking about how they're against abortion -- I believe that sometimes it's necessary to have an abortion, like if the mother's health/life is in jeopardy, or even in cases of rape or incest. (Todd Akins's talk about "legitimate rape"? *gags* Where do people -- MEN -- like that get off?!) And they're being against birth control. It's up to the COUPLE to decide when they want to start a family, how many kids they want, etc. It's sickening how some people want to control a woman's body.)

If these people are so concerned about the "sanctity of marriage", why not outlaw divorce (except in isolated cases, such as infidelity or abuse)? Get rid of the "irreconcilable differences" bs (which as far as I can tell, means that on spouse refuses to "reconcile" themselves to the fact that the other is cheating on them every chance they get). (Yep, listen to me, the wise, NEVER-BEEN-MARRIED guru... lol.)

I think I may have just found a new church to try out. It's in all-inclusive church (White Rock Community Church on Garland Rd.... has anyone been there? Anyone know anything about it?) Yes, it's kind of far away, and I may continue church-shopping for one closer, but for now I think I'm going to check that one out (next Sunday -- unfortunately it's too late to make it to services this week. Of course I could try to go on Wednesday night, or one of their Friday night services.) I never thought I'd be interested in going to church again, but I really need the fellowship. I'm tired of never going anywhere or doing anything. Also, maybe if I start networking with people, I can find a job/a place to live. I won't get my hopes up, but it is a possibility. I can talk to the pastors there and see if they can help me out.

Well, again, if anyone has any feedback, I'd love to hear it!

Just contacted an attorney

Now, now, don't freak out. No one's in any legal trouble; I just need help in getting on disability.

I've applied before, but Social Security told me that in order to collect my dad's Social Security, I had to have applied within two years after his death. Well, when I applied for SSI in '97, no one told me that. I had no idea I could even apply for SSDI under him. So now I'd like a lawyer to help me get it. Maybe they can find some sort of loophole or something that can allow me to have it. I'm hoping so, anyway. My rent will increase, but I don't care about that. All I care about right now is that I can save a lot more money under SSDI than I can under SSI. (I'm not sure how much they'll let you have in savings under SSDI, but it's only like $2,000 under SSI. I want to at least save enough to make a down payment on a really nice house in a nice area.)

I'm not sure how long it will be before we find a house. I'm still hoping it will be soon.

I just posted on the Richland High School Alumni page on Facebook. I hope someone will see it and be able to help. If not, I guess we'll continue searching on rent.com or some other site.

Y'all please keep us in your thoughts and prayers!

Update

I talked to my friend Doug on Tuesday, and he said when my birthday comes around, he'll take me to a pawnshop and help me get a new laptop. He paid $250 for the one he has, and has never had a problem with it. I'll still need to get a flash drive so I can download my stuff from my current computer and then upload it to my new one. I'll also have to get Norton, but that only costs $60/year, so no problems there. I'll also have money left over to get an iPod! Yay!

 I went and got my ID renewed yesterday. It'll take about two weeks for it to come in the mail. As soon as I get my check from my dad, I'll go open a bank account. I'm still thinking Chase. I've banked with them before, and they always treated me well. I'm going to open a checking and a savings account, putting back $25/month, and any extra money I save up from my weekly allowance from my SSI. (I'm trying to live off $50/week while saving up $150-$200/month.) I think I'm doing pretty well with that. I may be able to take a trip in the fall to see Styx after all if I keep going the way I am. About every six months I plan to cash in what I've saved up in change and put that in savings, too, so hopefully I'll have a several hundred dollars by the time I decide when and where to go see the band. Of course, I'll have to save money in case my friend and I find a house within the next few months, too. I still would like to move by the summer, but I don't know. I'll just have to keep praying that we'll find something soon.

I just read this article ("The Lying Disease"), and it's just horrifying how many liars, scammers, and cheats there are on the internet. I'm not talking about the Nigerian scams, the "friends" who are stranded in foreign countries with no money, etc.; but people who would fake serious, often fatal illnesses to get sympathy and/or money. As it says in the article, Manchausen's Syndrome/Manchausen's by Proxy has been around for decades, and the invention of the internet has just made it easier for these people to scam total strangers. I fee kind of sorry for them (they're mentally ill, after all), but as one commenter said, that's no excuse. I wonder exactly how much their therapy is helping them.

I'm going to go ahead and out myself here. I can be very manipulative myself. It's easier (on me) if I can get other people to do stuff for me. Like getting on SSDI. I've tried to get my counselor to do all that (contact Social Security, since as I told him, social worker types all speak the same language and maybe he could move things along faster. It's also why I wanted him to help me get on Section 8 even with the years long waiting list. He suggested that I contact the housing authorities in places like Garland, although I'd actually rather live someplace like Plano... Collin Creek Mall is there, and I love that place!) It would be very easy for me to make up a fake persona and go on various forums and play the victim. But I can't bring myself to do that. Sooner or later someone would catch me in a lie (or a dozen) and then they'd never trust me again. That would be the worst thing that I could imagine.

One thing I want to do on this blog is be as transparent as possible. I won't always go into great detail about my life, but I will be honest. If I need to vent, then I'll vent (as I've already done a couple of times). I'll be willing to share my joys and my sorrows with everyone whether I know them or not. (I have people in my Google+ circles, and hope to gain more. Anyone and everyone is welcome to comment on this blog or leave a message for me.)

Thanks to all who read my blog. I really appreciate it.

An important booklet by Alvin McEwin

Alvin is the author of the blog Holy Bullies and Headless Monsters and recently wrote a booklet entitled "How They See Us". It's a must-read! If you have gay friends or family members, please share this with them!

HowThey See Us by Alvin A. McEwen

I'm putting back $150 of my SSI check in savings. That means in four months (by my birthday) I'll have $600 saved up. By July it'll be $900. I think that's enough to buy a new computer and an iPod. I'll wait and buy the other stuff I want for Christmas. (The stereo and CDs and stuff.)

Unless my friend and I end up moving before then (I hope we will), then I'll just use the money for my share of the down payment on the house. I haven't been on freecycle in a while, so I don't know what kind of stuff they have on there. It really depends on what area of the city we move to. The "high rent" areas (for lack of a better term) will naturally have nicer stuff people want to give away. Hopefully the people whose house we end up renting/buying won't mind if we install a satellite dish in their yard, because I really want to get something like DISH Network (I wonder if they have internet service? I guess I'll call and ask when time gets closer for us to move.).

I actually think I'd better hold off on the computer and stuff until after the move... two things I want to buy for the new house (at least my room) are a digital TV and a DVD player. Both of those will probably cost me a couple of thousand dollars, depending on where I buy them (Best Buy or Target or someplace). I could look on Amazon or someplace like that. Maybe they'd have them cheaper. I've bought a lot of stuff from Amazon, and I've never been disappointed.

I'm hoping my friend can get her disability soon and find a house so we can get out of our respective living situations!

Musings

I still can't get over the fact that Jameson (Parker; JP) responded to my comments on his blog yesterday. (Okay, so I'm still a little star-struck... I had such a huge crush on the man back in the 80s when he was on Simon & Simon (he played AJ)). But I do enjoy his posts. A few days ago, he wrote an amusing entry, and now he writes something like his "Gun Appreciation Day" entry. And he writes so well! That's the kind of writing I aspire to do. Of course, I don't have the kind of life experiences that he does, so I can't write about the same types of things that he does. (Maybe I'll get one of those emails promising me great riches if I send my personal info to some bank I've never heard of in London or where ever. You know, the ones where an African patriarch died and they haven't been able to find his family, blah-de-blah... Those are always fun to read. Or the lottery somewhere in England. Hey, if I could win a few zillion pounds (how much is a pound in American dollars, anyway?) I could forget about renting a house and just flat-out buy one. A house big enough for me, my friend, our dogs, and maybe more dogs.)

Okay, maybe not. But it's fun to dream about having lots of money. Be as rich as Oprah, or Bill Gates, or Donald Trump... I'd buy the biggest house and property I could find and become the crazy dog lady. :-) I'd adopt as many dogs from shelters as I could, or even right from people who couldn't keep their dogs anymore. And they would live in the lap of luxury, of course. Only the best food and shelter for my babies.

Have y'all heard about that Publisher's Clearinghouse sweepstakes they're doing now? The $5,000/week for life one? What I could do with that much money! And then I might leave it to my friend if I died before she did, or to one of my brothers. Of course, I'd bury most of it in the bank. (Find the best interest-bearing account I could.) I'd make almost a quarter of a million dollars the first year alone (before taxes; I have no idea how much I'd have to pay in taxes. I might be lucky to have $100,000 at the end of the year.) But hey, that would be a heck of a lot more than I'm making now!

Hmmm, I'm getting way off what I was writing about at first, lol. (I tend to do that.) Getting back on topic, I might see if I can go back to school or take a few online courses in creative writing. I've always loved to write, and it probably wouldn't hurt to beef up my skills. My grandmother took some classes when she and my aunt lived in AZ, and she wrote some stories about her life. One of my favorites was a story she used to tell all the time about when I first moved to OK to live with her and my step-grandfather.

It seems a couple of ladies from Green Country MHMR (that's the closest I can come to what it was called) came out to evaluate me. (I have no idea why, and neither did my dad or grandmother.) Anyway, they did a bunch of tests (which I passed with flying colors; I was an intelligent kid!), one of which involved raisins and a bottle. They put the raisins in the bottle and watched to see if I could figure out how to get them out. Of course the neck of the bottle was too small for me to reach my finger into and get them out, so after puzzling over it for a bit, I turned the bottle over and shook them out. Grandma said that as the ladies were leaving, one of them turned to her and said, "Mrs. Merritt, if that child's retarded, I'd sure hate to see a smart one!" lol (Retarded, no. Scatterbrained in the extreme, but definitely not retarded. I'm one of those people who'd lose or forget their head if it wasn't firmly attached.)

I wish I could remember more of my childhood. It's funny (weird) that I have such a great memory, but except for a few little things, I can't remember much about growing up in Oklahoma or visiting my parents in Richland Hills (or even after I moved to Texas full-time). I remember watching my brothers Pat and Lonnie playing football, I remember things like chasing the bus down when I missed it. I remember my brother Lonnie carrying me to the end of the driveway on cold winter mornings. I remember a few of my teachers (like my first-grade teacher, Anna Milligan, who taught me to read. I picked up on that really quickly, needless to say. You can hardly find me without a book these days.)

I remember going to Six Flags when I came down to visit my dad. I even remember the first time I rode the Shockwave there. I was scared of the loops, and ducked my head, getting it trapped between me and the restraining bar. My brother Frank and his then-wife had to work hard to get my head unstuck. I spent a few Christmases with my parents, and I remember one year I got a baby doll that I loved. (I don't know what happened to that doll. I think her name was Angel.)

I do remember one year my grandmother made me a doll (a Cabbage Patch-type doll). She had curly yellow hair, and I named her Elizabeth Ann. I ended up giving her to my Aunt Annette because she had a childhood friend named Elizabeth Ann. (My grandmother made me another doll, of course.) And there were the soft sweaters that all the girls were wearing in Jr. High. I wanted one so bad, and I asked my Aunt Jessie for one for Christmas. Unfortunately, what I got was a purple wool winter sweater. (Okay, that makes since. It was winter, after all, and she didn't know about the fashions in Warner, OK, being from Michigan.)

Jeez, I talk to much even when I'm writing, lol! I'll probably post more memories (such as they are) later.

Musings on God and Christianity...

...a macho sky daddy whose existence is factually- unsupported by any evidence one can see, hear or touch...

I read this description of God in the comments section of a blog just now, and I wonder... yes, God's existence is "factually unsupported" by any tangible evidence (except for the Bible, and as I've read so many other people say, you can't "prove" the existence of God using the Bible, since it's the supposed word of someone who's existence can't be proven (I have a headache now)). I'm not saying that's what I believe... in fact, I don't. What's wrong with having faith in something you can't see, hear, feel, touch?  What's wrong with believing that there's a God who created us? (Or, for some of us, who caused the lightning strike millions of years ago that started the cycle, and then "let nature take its course" (no pun intended))? Yes, there are Christians out there who aren't very Christ-like. They're hypocritical, they're mean, they're bigoted, and they do horrible things in the name of our God and our Jesus. But that's no reason to bash all Christians, for the actions of a relative few. (Those few just get better press and give true Christians a bad name.)

I was raised Southern Baptist, which, if any of you all don't know about them, they're the most conservative of all the Protestant denominations. I left the Southern Baptist church behind in my mid-twenties, and have had no great desire to go back since (especially knowing their view on homosexuality). I have thought over the years about finding an inclusive church... Episcopalian, Methodist, etc., but haven't really bothered looking. I prefer to think of myself as "spiritual" rather than "religious", and to me that means you can worship God where ever and whenever. You can sit in a park in the midst of God's creation and quietly read your Bible and pray. (Maybe not sing, unless you don't mind getting weird looks...) My point is, you don't need to sit in a church pew on Sundays and perhaps the occasional Wednesday night to worship. I agree that it's good to fellowship with other Christians, but again, you can do that anytime and anywhere. "Where two or three are gathered in my name, there I am in the midst of them," Jesus said.  (Matthew 18:20) Doesn't that prove that you can "have church" anywhere that a small group of believers are gathered?

...an unprovable mythology from ancient, unenlightened times in human history. As long as religion is given a free pass to destroy lives, we will never escape the dark ages.

Another comment from the same blog entry I referenced above. Again, there's no way to "prove" the existence of God (and no way to disprove it either), but that's where faith comes in. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. (Hebrews 11:1). THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH HAVING FAITH IN A HIGHER POWER. And it is not religion (Christianity specifically) that destroys lives; it's the abuse of the Bible. We are called to speak the truth in love, but for a lot of Christians, where's the love? We can condemn what we see as sin, but  for so many, it's only condemnation. No one can feel the love that we're supposed to exhibit.

And I wish Christians would stop condemning each other to hell for their beliefs!!! Again, not all Christians do this, but I've come across several who've told me that I'm going to hell for my support of gay rights and same-sex marriage. You do not get to tell me I'm going to hell. Only God can send me there, and if he chooses to, there's not much I can do about it. I'm not trying to be flippant about it (it scares the you-know-what out of me; who wants to burn for eternity?), but I'm trying to live my life as I think God would have me to. I think we'll all be surprised when we get to heaven at who he lets in and who he doesn't.

Well, this blog entry is long enough (I didn't intend to write a book here!), so I'll end it now. I'll be posting some more in this vein later, maybe even today. It's nice to be able to get my thoughts out there, even if not many people read them.

I hope this works... I guess I'll find out when I can friggin' get back online!!! I hate it when my internet goes down... Grrrr!!!!!

I like this one

My friend was searching Craigslist, and found a nice sounding house. Here's the description:

Monthly payment is only $695 -- and includes the taxes and insurance. 
NOTE: 100% of your down payment goes towards the purchase price of your home. 

This is a nice 1,215 sq. ft. home with 3-bedrooms, 1-1/2 baths and a 1-car garage. 
It's located on a large lot that backs up to a park. No neighbors in your backyard! 
The kitchen has counter space galore! 
There are two living areas- open living and dining rooms. 
The Master suite includes private half bath.

Not bad! (Although we don't really need the garage, as neither of us drive... I guess my friend could get her license, though.) Hope she calls the guy selling it so we can go look at it. It's in Pleasant Grove, not far from where I live now.

We both prefer the 3 bdrm so we can have office space. (I guess she'll need an office more than I will, depending on the size of the bedrooms.) 

I realize that we can't move right away, not until she gets her disability. I don't make enough to cover all the bills (rent, utilities, cable/internet, cell phone), so it may still be a few months. However, when her check comes in, I'll be ready! 

I guess we could keep looking, but I hope we can find an affordable place soon. The only other prospect so far is a 2 bdrm condo, and the listing didn't say anything about it being pet-friendly. So that's out (probably). 

The thing is, I'd love to adopt another dog after I move. I'd love a little Yorkie. They're so cute! But that'll have to wait, probably until next year. I want to see how my friend and I do as roomies, how our current dogs get along, etc. And of course, I'll have to save up for the adoption fee.

I'm wondering how much a townhouse would cost, or a duplex. That way my friend and I could still live together, but both have our own totally separate spaces. But we'd probably have to pay separate rent on the duplex, and the whole idea of being roommates is to split the costs. So probably no on that idea.

Another thought I've been having is that I'm going to have to let my housekeeper go when I move. I feel sort of guilty about that... she depends on these jobs for money to pay her own bills, and I feel like I'm kind of stiffing her. She just started working for me a week ago, and even though she'll probably have a few months of work, she probably figured on this being a long-term thing. After I leave, she'll have to find someone else to work for, and that may not be easy. I hope she can. I don't want her losing anything by my leaving.

I guess I'll have to talk to my property manager and my counselor about all this soon.

Hopefully it won't be too soon...

before I can move.  My friend has found a nice house in Irving, not far from the mall. 4 bdrm/2 1/2 bath, living room, den, GOURMET(!) kitchen, huge back yard... rent is $700/month, and the owners may even do a rent to own contract. If we don't end up getting that one, she knows of a few other possibilities. Hopefully we can get this moving soon.

She's writing a book right now; she almost has it completed. I don't know if she's planning to go through a publisher or self-publish (that's hard!), but she's hoping to get a lot of sales and maybe some speaking engagements out of it, so that will be good. I've offered to act as her personal assistant (no pay; I just want the experience right now), and we'll talk about that.

It may be awhile before we can make any kind of final plans to move. She's still trying to get her disability, too, plus her dog Chloe is about to have puppies, so it'll be awhile before they're weaned and ready to sell.

Looks like I'll be tossing my cigs in the not-too-distant future... maybe I'll get an e-cig. That would help me cut down on my smoking, and no harmful chemicals to make her sick. I'll have to see how much they'll cost.

It also looks like I may have to wait awhile to get my new laptop, iPod, and other stuff. But if I can work for my friend for awhile, get some experience under my belt, and then get a paying job, that would be awesome. I'd like to be a secretary someplace (or a PA for someone) to get some good money coming in. I won't ask my friend to pay me... I think it's enough that she's willing to have me move in with her. And I think I'm helping her out as much as she's helping me, so it all evens out.

I may convince her to do some blogging, too, to help promote her book. Probably not here on blogspot, though... this place seems to be kind of dead. At least most of the blogs I've llooked at don't seem to have been updated in a year or two. That doesn't bode well for anyone seeing either of our writing. I'm going to check into a few other blogging sites and see how the writers there do as far as updating, and how their readership is. I'll still keep this one open (don't want to lose everything I've written thus far, and copying/pasting/saving and moving it to a new place seems like too much of a pain in the keister. I'll let everyone know if I find a new place to blog, of course.

Haven't had much to post about lately...

And still don't. I have a very boring life, lol. I do have 55 followers on Twitter now, if anyone's interested. :-) I'm still saving up my money in case I move, or for my birthday/Christmas, whichever comes first. I'd like to see if I can get my change jug filled halfway (it's a 5 gallon jug, so that's a lot of spare change!) so I can buy something really nice. I wonder how much I can save in five months? (Or four months, since my birthday's in May.) Maybe I'll just save up my change for Christmas, and use the money I save from my SSI and pension checks for my birthday. Actually, I don't think I'll be spending any money for my actual birthday; I'll save it all until July or August and use it to buy my new laptop and maybe a printer and an iPod if I have enough. (Definitely the iPod, though.)

I also have to take Alaska to the groomer at the beginning of next month to get a bath and a trim. She's getting long and shaggy. (Of course, that's part of the reason I got her... I wanted a long-haired fur baby, but I need to keep her looking nice.) I try to do that every couple of months.  Right now she's engaged in a battle royal with one of her squeaky toys. I love watching her. She barks and growls while she's playing, and I love that.

The property manager at my building is trying to get a vet to come out once a year and give free vaccinations to all the pets (there are a few dogs and cats here). That would be great, since most of us are living off our government checks, and several people have no income at all. (Dallas Housing Authority pays the majority of those people's rent.)

Let's see... there's really not much else to write about. I'm going to try to post something at least once or twice a week, even if it's just a very short piece.

Update

I'm back to trying to save up all the spare change I can. Every little bit helps, you know! That means no more getting depressed and buying loads of candy bars from the vending machine in our building. I'll have to find some other way to make myself feel better and sort of give myself that rush I normally would get from chocolate.

I'm going to try to see how much I can save up for my birthday, and then the back to school sales later in the summer, and then Christmas. I'm going to go get my ID renewed tomorrow (Tuesday) so I can open a bank account with my dad's check. I'm planning on opening both a checking and a savings account and putting back at least $25/month in savings.

One good thing -- I now have full-time housekeeping, paid for by Medicaid. So I don't have to pay for housecleaning anymore. Yay! Right now, we're just busy cleaning out my closet and drawers, trying to declutter things. I need to go through all my storage totes and see what I can throw out and what I can keep, and I need to see about renting a storage unit (there's a U-Haul place not far from where I live, so maybe I can get a place there for not too much money).

Let's see... not much else is going on right now. I'm still sad that I can't move down to Copperas  Cove with my friend (she sent me a text on Friday saying she's leaving today), but maybe I can find another roommate. I hope so. I really do need to get out on my own (relatively speaking, since I'll still be living with someone), and Alaska needs more space, too. My counselor told me about a dog park off of Mockingbird (note to self: find out where it is exactly) that I can take her to. He said they won't allow dogs on leashes once you're inside, but it's fenced in well so I can let her run and play. Hopefully there will be lots of other dogs there so she'll have other four-legged pals to get to know.

Well, that's it for now. Hopefully I'll have more good news as time goes on!

A story I found one day

Feel free to share!
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I Rescued a Human Today

Her eyes met mine as she walked down the corridor peering apprehensively into the kennels. I felt her need instantly and knew I had to help her.

I wagged my tail, not too exuberantly so she wouldn't be afraid. As she stopped at my kennel, I blocked her view from a little accident I had in the back of my cage. I didn't want her to know that I hadn't been walked today. Sometimes the overworked shelter keepers get too busy, and I didn't want her to think poorly of them.

As she read my kennel card I hoped she wouldn't feel sad about my past. I only have the future to look forward to, and I want to make a difference in someone's life.

She got down on her knees and made little kissy sounds at me. I shoved my shoulder and the side of my head up against the bars to comfort her. Gentle fingertips caressed my neck; she was desperate for companionship. A tear fell down her cheek and I raised my paw to assure her that all would be well.

Soon my kennel door opened, and her smile was so bright that I instantly jumped into her arms.

I would promise to keep her safe.

I would promise to always be by her side.

I would promise to do everything I could to see that radiant smile and sparkle in her eyes.

I was so fortunate that she came down my corridor. So many more are out there that haven't walked the corridors. So many more to be saved. At least I could save this one.

I rescued a human today. 

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Copied from DogHeirs.com

I encourage everyone to go to this site and read the stories. Some are funny, some are heartbreaking. It's one of my favorite sites to visit and read stories not only about dogs, but other animals as well.

Had a good talk with my counselor yesterday

He said it's normal and healthy for me to be upset and yes, angry because I'm not able to move in with my friend. I understand why I can't... she has asthma and can't be around a smoker, and even if I quit, it'll take forever for the smell to get out of my clothes and other stuff. (My property manager, who is also a heavy smoker, says he doubts that the smell ever really goes away.) So, yeah, I don't want to make her sick with my habit. But that doesn't mean I can't grieve over the loss of one of my biggest dreams.

It's just that I've lived here for fourteen years, and when I first moved here in 1998 (I was 26), this was only supposed to be a temporary thing. I'd just lost my parents (my dad died in '94, and my mom in '96), and I was just looking for a place to live until I could get a job and get on my feet. I definitely wasn't looking to make this a permanent residence. So when I have what I think is a good opportunity to get out and get a place of my own, I'm going to jump on it, and I'm going to be disappointed and frustrated and angry when it falls through. So. Where do I go from here?

I'm still looking for a place to go. I want a roommate, I want to leave here ASAP, and I'm willing to pay rent. I can't afford much; I still only make $735/month, but at least that's something. I'd still like a 2 or 3 bedroom/1 or 2 bath home with a backyard for Alaska. I would be willing to relocate if necessary. That includes out of state. I'm not sure what kind of response I'd get to any offers I'd make (I refuse to go on Craigslist... I tried finding a roommate (female) through them once, and all I got was offers from guys who would accept monetary payment, but also wanted another form of payment. Um, that would be NO! Or as my grandmother would say, "Not no, but HELL NO!" Or to put it more colorfully, "Not no, but HELL F*#@ING NO!"

So if anyone knows of anyone looking for a roommate, please let me know!

I feel like I'm never getting out of here...

I read a comment that my friend left on one of my status updates a few days ago, and she said "I" may be moving in two weeks. *I* not *we*! Of course I'm happy for her, but why can't I get a break?!?! I've had two opportunities to get out of here (two different friends offered to be my roommate) and both times things fell through. The more I think about leaving, the more unbearable staying here becomes. I WANT OUT!!!!! WHY CAN'T THINGS WORK OUT THE WAY I WANT THEM TO?!?! I've been trying to reach my friend to see if there's a way we can still be roomies, but she's not answering my calls or calling me back.

I kinda felt this way when I went to see Styx in Indiana two days after my birthday. The friend I went to the concert with had a third row seat and I was stuck in the 17th row. I thought, it's my birthday... I paid for the ticket, I paid to come up here, *I* should be the one in the third row!!! (For some reason the ushers wouldn't let me move up, either!) Entitled? Yes. But I'd been waiting for so long to see them, I really wanted to get the whole experience, and most of the fans that I'd met through MySpace or Facebook who were there were close to the front, and I wanted to be with them. I didn't know any of the people around me.

The point is, I feel like things hardly ever work out for me, and I wonder why??? I'm not a bad person, but I feel like I'm being punished somehow by having this awesome opportunity dangled in front of me, and then it gets snatched away!

*Sighs* Okay, rant over... for now. Sorry if I brought anyone down with this post. It's not very cheerful.

Hopefully soon I'll be singing this song, lol

"On My Way"

Styx

Oh what a beautiful night 

Couldn't get any clearer 

Yeah what a wonderful sight 

My old life in the rear view mirror 

Hey now I'm travelin' light 

Duffel bag and a six string 

Yeah but it feels so right 

To hear the bells of freedom ring 

Gotta get away from 

The same old same 

Let a new day come 

Start over again 

Hey I was stuck in a grind 

Little fish in a little pond 

If I had a criminal mind 

I'd have got myself a gun 

Had to get away from 

The ball and chain 

Let a new day come 

Or start goin' insane 

I'm on my way 

Don't know to where 

But I'm gonna get there 

On my way 

Look at the world 

With my brand new eyes 

I can't believe I feel so high 

I'm on my way tonight 

Hey I was going to seed 

Spreading out like a corn field 

I had so much denial in me 

I was full of nothing real 

I had to get away from 

My old routine 

Let a new day come 

Start over again 

I'm on my way 

I don't know to where 

But I'm gonna get there 

On my way 

Look at the world 

Through my brand new eyes 

I can't believe I get to feel 

So good 

So high tonight 

Starting tonight 

There will be 

A revival 

In my world 

Turn on the lights 

And you'll see 

This one man band 

Is now a symphony 

And the sun 

Is gonna shine 

Like a summer time 

That has no end 

And the love 

I will find 

I have no doubt 

That it will be mine 

The love I find 

Will all be mine 

I had to get away while 

I could still be saved 

Let a new day come 

Stop digging my grave 

On my way... 

I have faith 

The road up ahead 

Gonna get much easier 

On my way 

Look at me now 

With a brand new life 

I can't believe I feel so high 

I'm on my way tonight